This post is a transcript of an episode of my podcast, “Women Who Know.” This episode originally aired on November 23, 2022.

Today I want to talk to you guys about something that I am currently trying to implement more in my life, and that is trying to be happy and humble in a time where happiness and humility seem very fleeting. Everyone is chasing happiness – maybe not so much humility, but definitely happiness – and yet depression and anxiety among adults and children alike are extremely high (Major Depression Rates in the USA)! Why is this? What is going wrong? I have some thoughts about this and that’s what I want to share with you all today. 

the era of self

We live in a time where there’s a huge push for self-care and self-love, the goal of both being happiness. I love both of these terms, and I am working on finding the balance for them myself, but these are endeavors that can easily become setbacks. It is absolutely so important to take care of yourself – we’ve all heard over and over the need to put on your own oxygen mask before you help someone else put theirs on. It’s also important to love yourself. The Lord Himself commanded us to “love thy neighbor as thyself,” and it’s so important to be able to love ourselves and feel good about ourselves in order to be able to feel the same about other people. However, I feel like there is a line in how far we should go in these endeavors, and it can be very easy to cross. My husband and I have talked a lot about how prevalent self-love and -care are in the world today, and how many books on self-improvement there are. Don’t get me wrong, these can all be so helpful, but like I said…there is a line. Because of all this focus on “self” my husband and I have started calling this time period, “the era of self.”

It is interesting to look at the ideas of self-love and self-care from a gospel and scriptural perspective. I find hints of self-love and self-care in the scriptures, but the Lord doesn’t say those are sure ways to happiness or to becoming like Him. If you have a scripture that you feel tells us to pursue self-love and -care as a way to be happy, I’d love to hear it!

the “Christ self”

What I have found in my scripture study about self is much different than what the world tells us. In Matthew 10:39, the Savior says, “He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.” To me, this scripture means that if my main priority is on myself and “finding myself” that I will ironically lose myself, but if I focus on living like the Savior and doing what He would do, I will find myself in Christ. C.S. Lewis wrote, “The Christian life is simply a process of having your natural self changed into a Christ self…” (Lewis, C.S. Beyond Personality: The Christian Idea of God. 1944.) I think this quote begs the question – which self are we loving and caring for? The natural self or the “Christ self”? 

If you have been baptized as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, you have made covenants with God. These covenants include taking the name of Jesus Christ upon yourself, keeping the commandments, and serving the Lord. There is a section on the church’s website about baptism, and I love what it says: “The commandment to separate yourself from the things of the world does not mean that you should isolate yourself from others. Part of the baptismal covenant is to serve the Lord, and you serve Him best when you serve your fellow men.” Specifically, we are to be “willing to bear one another’s burdens, willing to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.” (Mosiah 18:8-9). In my opinion, these covenants point me outwards, rather than inwards on myself. Keeping my covenants is taking care of and loving my “Christ self,” and in order to keep my covenants, I need to care for and love my fellowmen. Elder Gerrit W. Gong said, ““The age-old paradox is still true. In losing our worldly self through covenant belonging, we find and become our best eternal self – free, alive, real – and define our most important relationships. Covenant belonging is to make and keep solemn promises to God and each other through sacred ordinances that invite the power of godliness to be manifest in our lives. When we covenant all we are, we can become more than we are.” (Gong, Gerrit W. October 2019. “Covenant Belonging.”) 

I mentioned that I am trying to implement these principles more in my life. My personality is such that I always feel the need to improve myself. I have struggled to be content with where I am at any point in my life; I always have to be getting better. I don’t know why. It’s sometimes a strength but it can very easily become a weakness, that’s for sure. The reason I bring that up is because I can spend a lot of time thinking about myself – how I need some “me-time”, how tired I am, or how hard my life is. How much self-care I could use. When I am stuck in this pattern, my mental health really plunges and I am very unhappy. And this is where that becomes a weakness, because when I’m in my head a lot and thinking about myself and what I need and want, I am spending way too much time thinking about myself. And this is not the Lord’s way. When I pull myself out of those thought patterns and look at my husband and children and focus on loving and caring for them rather than dwelling in self-pity, I am so much happier and so much more present in my life and my kids’ lives.

Henry David Thoreau said, “Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.” How much time are we spending on chasing happiness? On chasing self-love and -care and “me time” in the pursuit of happiness, but it’s really just selfishness? Is all of that really creating more happiness in our lives? I am learning from my own personal experiences that if I go overboard, it most certainly doesn’t. I just get too caught up in myself, and I end up losing myself like the scriptures warn.

consumption vs. creation

So how do self-love and self-care come into play in our happiness? I think, like I mentioned before, it has to be self-love and -care for your Christ self rather than your natural self. Robbie and I were talking about this the other day, and he said that it’s important to take a close look at what you’re doing for self-care and self-love. After you do it, do you feel better? Like, a lasting happiness and joy inside of you? Or just temporary and you find yourself needing more and more and more? One of my favorite ways to decide if something is loving and caring for my “Christ self” is whether I’m consuming or creating. Usually when I am consuming content – like watching tv or playing video games – I am kind of mindless while I do it. But when I am creating something, I feel empowered and intelligent and creative. It really does feed my soul, and I feel like I am taking care of myself. Consuming content certainly has a time and place, but I think it’s not always truthful to claim those activities as “self-care.” The goal of self-care and -love is happiness and usually to recharge yourself. Are the activities you choose to do while in “me-time” recharging you and filling you with true joy?

Another important aspect of true happiness is humility. Elder Uchtdorf once said, “Pride is the great sin of self-elevation.” (Uchtdorf, Dieter F. October 2010. “Pride and the Priesthood.”) I think sometimes, in our pursuit of self-love and self-care, we can cross the line into self-elevation and pride. Elder James E. Faust gave a talk about self-esteem, which he describes as, “something different. It is not blind, arrogant, vain self-love, but self-respecting, unconceited, honest self-esteem. It is born of inner peace and strength….Self-esteem goes to the very heart of our personal growth and accomplishment. Self-esteem is the glue that holds together our self-reliance, our self-control, our self-approval or disapproval, and keeps all self-defense mechanisms secure. It is a protection against self-deception, self-distrust, self-reproach, and plain old-fashion selfishness.” (Faust, James E. August 1983. “Self-Esteem: A Great Human Need.”) He then gives six essentials to keep a healthy self-esteem, and one of them is to cultivate humility. If we are to have true self-love and self-esteem, we need to be humble. Elder Uchtdorf gives a great description of what humility is. “Some suppose that humility is about beating ourselves up. Humility does not mean convincing ourselves that we are worthless, meaningless, or of little value. Nor does it mean denying or withholding the talents God has given us. We don’t discover humility by thinking less of ourselves; we discover humility by thinking less about ourselves. It comes as we go about our work with an attitude of serving God and our fellowman.” I love that! Humility is not thinking less of ourselves, but less about ourselves. It’s about the quantity, not the quality. It’s about thinking of others, and the irony is that as we love and serve others, we will better love ourselves and become the person God knows we can become. As we spend less time thinking about ourselves, we can develop humility and find true happiness.

Elder Uchtdorf continues to say, “Humility directs our attention and love toward others and to Heavenly Father’s purposes. Pride does the opposite. Pride draws its energy and strength from the deep wells of selfishness. The moment we stop obsessing with ourselves and lose ourselves in service, our pride diminishes and begins to die….there are so many people in need whom we could be thinking about instead of ourselves….There are so many ways we could be serving. We have no time to become absorbed in ourselves.” Isn’t that so powerful? Humility directs us outward. Happiness won’t come to us as we focus and obsess on our selves, it won’t come as we obsess over how we can be more happy in life. It will come as we are busy doing the Lord’s work, serving His children, and loving. 

love

I think that is what it really comes down to – love. Loving and serving our families and neighbors leads to better loving ourselves. And vice versa. Sister Ruth E. Brasher gave a devotional speech at Byu, and she said, “Knowing our Father loves us and that He created each of us and endowed us with the capacity to fulfill the purposes of life provides us the basis for understanding our worth. Self-esteem and self-confidence flourish in the bonds of love.” (Brasher, Ruth E. July 1983. “That We May Become.”) Self-esteem and self-confidence flourish in the bonds of love! Saying that made me think of Elsa in Frozen when she says love will thaw haha. Anyways, we develop self-love or self-esteem (I’m kind of using them interchangeably now) as we go about serving others. We stop trying to fill the happiness hole with me-time and self-care (because, let’s be real, that happiness doesn’t last very long. It doesn’t take much time to feel like you need more and more of it. It’s kind of consuming.) and instead fill it with the love of God and love of our fellowmen. It is so easy for me to forget that the times that I feel the happiest are the times when I’m not thinking of myself at all, but when I am serving and helping those around me.

I want to reiterate that I am not saying the pursuit of self-love and self-care are evil pursuits. But when we get more concerned with ourselves and only care about ourselves, we are stepping into the realm of self-elevation and pride. When done the right way and in the right amount, self-love and -care can absolutely recharge us. In a BYU devotional, Sister Julie L. Valentine said, “Investing in yourself reflects self-love and self-worth. Remember, the second commandment to ‘love thy neighbor as thyself’ affirms that we are to love ourselves. Be good to yourself by investing in your education, talents, skills, and relationships.” (Valentine, Julie L. November 2021. “A Noble Responsibility for Good.”) I love how she says we should invest in ourselves. Our pursuit of self-love and -care should be full of activities that will pay off in the long run. Education, talents, skills, and relationships. Self-love does not mean closing ourselves off to everyone else or seeking isolation. It means improving relationships and loving others so that we can better love ourselves.

service to others

In closing, I want to share two things. The first is a quote from Sister Bonnie L. Oscarson, whom I love very much. She said this to the young women of the church, but I think it applies to all of us, “We have noticed that many more of you are struggling with issues of self-worth, anxiety, high levels of stress, and perhaps even depression. Turning your thoughts outward, instead of dwelling on your own problems, may not resolve all of these issues, but service can often lighten your burdens and make your challenges seem less hard. One of the best ways to increase feelings of self-worth is to show, through our concern and service to others, that we have much of worth to contribute….As you fulfill your covenant responsibilities and participate in building the kingdom of God, blessings will flow into your life and you’ll discover the deep and lasting joy of discipleship.” (Oscarson, Bonnie L. April 2018. “Young Women in the Work.”) Turn your thoughts outward instead of dwelling on your own problems. Service can lighten burdens and challenges. Service to others increases self-worth. We can feel lasting joy as we serve and love those around us.

love of God

Finally, I want to mention the Nephites and Lamanites who came together in 4th Nephi in the Book of Mormon. “And it came to pass that there was no contention in the land, because of the love of God which did dwell in the hearts of the people….Surely there could not be a happier people among all the people who had been created by the hand of God.” (4 Nephi 1:15-16) Happiness comes as we seek to have the love of God dwell in our hearts. This society of peace and plenty lasted for 200 years, and the first step to its downfall was pride. I know that as we seek to love God and love others, our love for ourselves will also increase. More than it ever would with any other endeavor. As we care for God’s children, we are caring for our Christ-self. Our true self, because we are made in the image of God. And when we care for our true, spiritual self, it feels empowering and enlightening and joyful. It creates lasting, eternal happiness. So while this world is screaming constant selfishness at us, we can hold on to the whisperings of the Holy Ghost that lead us to the love of God which will lead us to eternal joy and eternal life with God. While the world tells us that caring for our families, our children, our spouse, or anyone besides ourself is outdated and overrated, we can feel true peace and happiness in sacrificing for those we love and taking care of our Christ-self.