This post is a transcript of an episode of my podcast, “Women Who Know.” This episode originally aired on November 9, 2022.
Hey friends! Life is just crazy and homeschooling is kicking my butt haha. My kids are doing great with it, but I just feel so overwhelmed all the time, and I feel like I never have time or energy for anything else. So we are trying to figure out how to make it more manageable for me, and while we do that, I hope you can be patient with me.
Today I want to talk to you guys about something very dear to my heart. If you listened to my prologue episode, I mentioned that after my second child was born, I had postpartum anxiety and depression. I talk about it a lot because I want to normalize talking about it. When I had it seven years ago, it wasn’t nearly as talked about as it is now. I remember hearing about it and my doctors warning me about it and feeling terrified that I would have it, but no one really talked about how it is manageable and that it’s not something to fear. I think that contributed to me developing it, honestly. But if we talk about how common it is and share that there is hope and healing and so many options to help, then it makes it that much easier for someone else to cope with. So hopefully you won’t get tired of me talking about it, but it really was an extremely formative experience for me. So I will talk about it often in hopes of helping any of you listening know that it’s not something we should be terrified of. When we keep mental health problems in the shadows, they grow and strengthen and spread. Depression and anxiety love being kept secret. If we bring them out into the light and talk about them, we can much more easily overcome them.
lack of faith?
Okay, so today, let’s talk about two principles that I learned from my experience with postpartum depression. When I was in the darkest time, I thought that I was going through it because I didn’t have enough faith. Before I got married and had kids, I would read scriptures for at least half an hour every day, I would pray every morning and every night (without falling asleep in the middle of it haha), and I spent a lot of time in spiritual activities and environments. After having my first child, I didn’t have that kind of time anymore! Everything spiritual became so much harder to do because I was so tired all the time. When I struggled with such intense depression after my second child was born, I thought I was being punished for not keeping up with the same spiritual routines as I did before I had kids. I should have been able to figure out how to make the time for everything. I should have been trying harder. I should have been more focused on my faith. My faith wasn’t strong enough, otherwise I wouldn’t be feeling this way. All of these thoughts led me to believe that if I just prayed and studied scriptures and listened to conference talks more, then I would be cured from depression. So, I started reading scriptures in every spare moment. I prayed constantly. I wrote down every spiritual prompting I had, and every spiritual feeling. I asked my husband for priesthood blessings almost daily. I wish I could tell you that I did all of these things from a place of faith, but it was from a place of fear and desperation and I became somewhat obsessive and superstitious about it. I thought that if I didn’t read scriptures that day, I was going to sink into the darkness. So I did that for a few months straight, and again, I wish I could tell you that a miracle happened and I was cured from depression. But I wasn’t. And so began a trial of faith for me like I had never experienced before. It was so hard for me to feel the Spirit, and because of that, I really thought that depression was a punishment.
not a punishment
I studied Elder Holland’s talk, “Like a Broken Vessel,” over and over. In it he said, “In striving for some peace and understanding in these difficult matters [of mental illness], it is crucial to remember that we are living – and chose to live – in a fallen world where for divine purposes our pursuit of godliness will be tested and tried again and again.” (Holland, Jeffrey R. (October 2013). “Like a Broken Vessel.”) After reading this, I realized that my trial of depression wasn’t a punishment for a lack of faith, it was just a trial that I went through because we live in a fallen world, and there were things I learned from that trial that have stayed with me for 7 years and will continue to stay with me. I eventually calmed down and realized that I didn’t need to be obsessively studying scriptures and praying in every spare moment that I had in order to show Heavenly Father that I had faith so that He would heal me from it.
So my first principle is that depression is not a punishment for lack of faith. If you are struggling with a mental illness and wondering why God would put you through that, please don’t even consider that you are being punished. While studying scriptures and praying often and anytime we can are wonderful choices to make and can increase your faith, it is not because you aren’t doing those things that you are going through this trial. I want to be careful and clear here. Having faith and acting on that faith can and does lead to miracles, and for some people, physical and mental healing. But for others, it doesn’t, and the bottom line comes down to God’s will. He sees and knows everything, He knows what trials we need to go through in order to become like Him. In 2 Nephi 9:20, Jacob says, “O how great the holiness of our God! For he knoweth all things, and there is not anything save he knows it.” There are times when it is the Lord’s will for someone to be healed, and there are times when it is not. That is why it is so important for us to remember that our faith should not be in an outcome of healing, but in our Savior, Jesus Christ.
Another talk that I turned to a lot during this time was a devotional that Elder Bednar gave in 2013 called, “That We Might “Not…Shrink.” This talk changed my life, and I know that’s a dumb trope, but I do not use it lightly. I highly encourage you to read this whole talk. I will just briefly summarize a part of it for you today. Elder Bednar talks about a young man he met in the mission field (that’s all the detail he gives), and how this young man got married and sealed in the temple, and then 3 weeks later was diagnosed with cancer. Elder Bednar eventually goes to visit this young man who has been through chemotherapy and surgery, and the young man (who Elder Bednar refers to as “John”) asks him for a priesthood blessing. Before Elder Bednar gives the blessing, he feels prompted to ask John and his wife questions, one of which was this: “[John,] do you have the faith not to be healed?” Elder Bednar then continues in his talk, “I frankly was surprised by the questions I felt prompted to ask this particular couple. Frequently in the scriptures, the Savior or His servants exercised the spiritual gift of healing and perceived that an individual had the faith to be healed. But as John and Heather and I counseled together and wrestled with these questions, we increasingly understood that if God’s will were for this good young man to be healed, then that blessing could only be received if this valiant couple first had the faith not to be healed. In other words, John and Heather needed to overcome, through the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ, the ‘natural man’ tendency in all of us to demand impatiently and insist incessantly on the blessings we want and believe we deserve.” Isn’t that profound? In order to be healed, if that were the Lord’s will, then this couple had to have that faith to not be healed. They had to trust God, no matter the outcome, rather than have faith in and demand a particular outcome, and be mad at God if the outcome wasn’t the one they wanted. No, they had to trust Him regardless of if John lived or not.
faith to not be healed
The same is true of mental illness. We have to trust God. We have to have the faith to not be healed. Some people may heal from their infirmities quickly, some eventually, and maybe some won’t ever fully heal in this life. Elder Holland says, “Hope is never lost. If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior’s own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead.” There will come a day when all sickness shall be healed, all sadnesses removed, and all tears wiped away. But please don’t ever think that you are not being healed because you don’t have enough faith. If you are doing your best to trust the Lord and learn of Him, and you still do not heal from your ailments, please know that you are not being punished. Trusting and submitting to the Lord’s will is not easy, but it is the key to peace and freedom. Elder Bednar quotes his friend John who said, “As I allowed those two ideas to coexist in my life, focused faith in Jesus Christ and complete submission to His will, I found greater comfort and peace.” When we trust that God knows what is best for us, that He sees our past, present, and future, and is guiding us to where He knows we need to be, we can be at peace with whatever trial we are going through in our lives.
submit to His will
Mental illness is not a punishment for lack of faith. Mental illness is part of living in a fallen world, and mental illness is a trial that we can learn so much from if we trust in the Lord and His will. And even if you don’t receive the miracle of fully healing from your mental illness, there are still miracles happening in your life as you exercise faith in Christ rather than in outcomes. God is doing wonderful things for you and there truly are miracles all around you, if you just open your eyes to those. Open your eyes to God’s will for you. Don’t close your eyes and grit your teeth, praying for a specific outcome over and over, and only having faith in that outcome. In my experience, when we put our faith in God rather than the outcome, God’s will is actually much better than anything I had imagined for myself. Miracles happen when we submit to God’s will and trust His plan for us.
not just for you
My second principle comes from a priesthood blessing that my husband gave me while I was struggling with depression. I prayed to know if this was okay to share because it was a sacred experience for me, and I feel good about sharing it. In this particular priesthood blessing, Robbie said, “This trial is not just for you.” That simple sentence has stuck in my mind for years and years. It comes to my mind often, especially as I still struggle with mental illness, and I feel a lot of peace from this thought. Our trials are not just for us. Months after Robbie gave me this blessing and I was in a much better place with my mental health, I saw how true that was. I was called to be a Relief Society teacher, and one of the first lessons I was called to teach was about Elder Holland’s talk, “Like a Broken Vessel.” It was not a coincidence. After that lesson, a wonderful woman in my ward talked to me about how she was dealing with anxiety for the first time in her life and she didn’t know what to do. We developed such a sweet relationship and helped each other through a lot. I have had other opportunities to help and comfort women who have gone through mental illness, and I am so grateful that the Lord had helped me to become a more understanding and empathetic person through my trial of mental illness. I do not talk about this to puff myself up but to say that I was able to be an instrument in the hands of the Lord because of the suffering that I went through. I was a broken vessel through which He could help and comfort other broken vessels.
We do not know how the trials we are going through now or have gone through in the past will help others who cross our paths in the future. We do not know the reach of our influence. Heavenly Father does know, and He has a plan for each of us. We are here on this earth to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort. We are here to love and uplift and lead others to Jesus Christ. Our trials are sometimes exactly what we need in order to be able to do that. If you are going through something heavy right now, know that you may be the angel that someone else has prayed for to help them through that same trial in the future. And I hope that thought brings you peace and comfort. Heavenly Father might just have a plan for you where you are an instrument in His hands to help His other children. Don’t lose hope, and know that beautiful things are in store for you. Just keep trusting in God and His will for you, and miracles will happen. Even if they aren’t the exact miracles you are hoping for – they will happen.
